Last night I was met by the amazing question of what if? Specifically what if I had not moved to California. I’m not sure as to how the thought made its way into my mind as I laid here listening to Iron & Wine as I try to sleep.
The question did arise in a sort of interesting way as my mind quickly explored the many different situation that would have been different had I not moved. For instance, I thought of some very unimportant things such as issues with my bike. For how significant are issues with my bike when thinking of things happening differently had I not moved. Stay with me..
In the midst of mind running right through all these possibilities that would have been different I realized that everything I was thinking of was negative. If I didn’t move, this negative thing wouldn’t have happened.. And so on. So in attempt to justify my negative cognitive I resort to the idea that just because I crashed on my bike in California doesn’t not mean that had I not moved, I would have suffered any incident on my bike in NYC. For NYC is more dangerous for a cyclist to ride in so therefore, had I stayed in NYC chances are that I would have suffered a bicycle accident there as well, and the probability may have even been higher for NYC indeed is more dangerous than The Bay Area for a cyclist.
I then realized that the mere thought of the possibility that I would have suffered a bicycle accident even if I had stayed in NYC does not justify anything, nor does it balance out my negative thoughts. Why had I not just thought of all the positive things that wouldn’t have happened if I had stayed in NYC that happened as a result of moving? Why weren’t the positive cognitive my initial thoughts? For are we wired to think of negatives thoughts?
Throughout my life, I’ve met a couple people that seemed to just think of the positive outcomes of all situations first, or at least they spoke of them first. Were they simply just putting an effort to do so? Were we always like this? Wired to think negatively? For I’d like to think not.
I think the reason we are this way is because the common trust we have for each other is no longer existent. Is it possible that we have an issue thinking of the positive outcomes of a situation simply because we have been trained over time to keep our defenses up; defenses sometimes up against ourselves. For I had just thought of the negative situations that have surfaced as a result of moving without my mind even hinting at the many positive experiences. I have just put up a defense against myself; refused to allow myself to play at the thought that moving may have possibly been for the better. Merely because the very seed of my question “what if?” had been developed from a predisposed idea in my mind that I was not even aware of. .
I was simply home sick.